As soon as I picked up my phone to transfer the $100 through Cash app I felt a pain start from the center of chest and drop into my stomach.
What was I doing?
I didn’t have a $100 to spend so freely. At the time I was essentially homeless, living out of hotel rooms while I patiently awaited the complete conversion of my cargo van into a tiny home on wheels.
And since I had had the genius idea of embarking on van life during a frosty Oregon winter, I was bitterly cold at night sleeping on my foam mattress pad and ultimately gave in to just renting a room for my last week before heading south.
The van itself was costing me 1000’s of dollars to outfit with walls, furniture and electrical equipment and had already sent me into multiple mini nervous breakdowns.
Did I really just purchase this?
I just spent an hour listening to someone repeat all of the things I had already been told to do and either just had not gotten around to or had deliberately chosen not to do.
Get a freebie – check
Less text. short, succinct sentences – check
Repeat the call to action throughout the website – check
Here I was sitting with someone, explaining to them my business of helping people move past their blocks, while simultaneously wallowing in my own.
The irony really hit me in that moment.
I didn’t need more consultations, website evaluations, or certifications – I just needed to give myself permission to share my art.
Over the course of two years, I continued to work on my website but never added the most critical part of turning it into a business, the ability to accept money.
I had all the right software and know how but never seemed to be able to muster the courage to share with people what I had to offer.
After our meeting, I walked out to the parking lot to try and reverse my huge cargo van out and into the street and I noticed the website consultant driving the exact same car that I once owned and loved before trading it in for the camper van.
I felt crushed.
Where was I going in my life and how did I get to this place?
Desperate, homeless, scared.
After a little back and forth I managed to get my van out of the parking lot without hitting anything and I made my way to the motel I found on Hotel Tonight. During the drive, I asked myself, “How do I want to feel”? And just noticed the thoughts that arose. I just wasted 100 bucks, I don’t want to feel bad about investing money in my business ( But I did), I want every purchase to feel as insignificant as buying chewing gum (but it didn’t) and I really don’t know what I’m waiting for (although I did know).
When I got to the motel, I walked straight over to the reception to see if they would price match the cost on hotel tonight but when I pulled the hotel back up on the app, the price had nearly doubled. Going from $69 to $119. The woman at the front desk then explained to me that the last $69 room had been booked at 5:19, which was just 5 minutes before I arrived.
The night couldn’t have gotten any worse. I sat in the office just looking at the price change on my phone an noticing the weightiness of flesh against my tired achy bones.
The consultation ultimately cost me much more than $100 with the new room rate change. I began giving the woman at the front desk my personal information and she noticed that I had stayed in the hotel once before.
I asked her to remind me of the date of my last stay, the date was significant because this was the same place I stayed when I returned to Southern Oregon after purchasing my van that morning in Hillsboro.
1 month later, the van has seen some progress but is still not quite livable. So many pursuits over such a short period of time.
When I finally got into my room, I realized that this afternoons costly consultation was simply meant for me to acknowledge, that i already had the answers to the questions I was posing. I already have all the tools and knowledge I need right now to bring the project into fruition.
There are no more courses, teachers, books, or retreats I need to prepare me to do what am i doing right this moment.
The only thing standing in my way are my own justifications, rationale and excuses for why I’m not ready, my website is not ready and even why my audience is not ready.
I’m done waiting for everything to be perfect before I can begin and I encourage you to also.
Not only have I created a site to help encourage you to take notice of the thoughts that stand in your way, but to encourage myself to keep looking also.
Every step, just helps us move up the peak less mountain.
Every solution brings with it a new problem to be solved.
I’m prepared to keep going.
I hope you are too.
Lets make this the year of the impossible.
Your friend along the path,